Letters to Terry

Dear Terry Allen, just this morning, I was shoveling snow, when a Japanese man of about 80, stopped his car and motioned me over to ask a question. “Fukabori kono chikaku ne sundeimasuka?” -was his question. Which means: Does Fukabori live around here? But being a Tsawwassen guy of course, I thought he was mouthing me off, and I only caught:
“Fuka-bori!” So I thought the 80 year old was trying to pick a fight with me! “Fuka-bori to you too buddy! And your mother too!!!” I wanted to say, but resisted the urge considering the guy`s age and the fact I mean, his mother was probably long gone! Sorry to say. He was an old coger! “The war`s over!” Was another one I thought of. Instead I referred him to my lovely natto eating wife Ikumi, and she promptly directed him to the fish store across the street. Terry if you have never lived across a narrow street from a fish store for 16 years, I`ll tell ya, the aroma is very interesting! It becomes that much more of a challenge to make friends as the smell permeates your clothes. But I have a lot of friends who enjoy sushi, so that is a definite plus! Terry if your wife doesn`t eat natto, you are missing something buddy! Natto is fermented; or I like to think, practically rotten soy beans.
They make a kind of long stinky string as you eat them. I think it could double as an industrial strength glue for airplane parts It makes for a romance made in Odawara, I`ll tell ya man. Take care! Sorry you lost your hockey team again! Maybe someone can scrounge up another hockey team for Atlanta. Or maybe it could be one of them Kickstarter projects. It`s always a thought! Your buddy in Nippon, Kevin R Burns

I Love People Smoking Next to Me!

biker

2001

I Love People Smoking Next to Me

Originally published in The Vancouver Sun

Tokyo:Japan Living (JL)

God I love people smoking next to me! Japan is a great country for a guy like me. I love the smell on my clothes and my hair. I don’t smoke myself, I don’t need to. I get enough when I go to any movie theatre lobby, restaurant or coffee shop here. It’s a great place for smoke inhalation.

I may become a fireman because of this Land of the Rising Smoke. I miss the Marlborough man–he died of lung cancer long ago; too bad. His young virile image is here though–on many billboards and blasting from Sony TV’s throughout the land. Don’t tell anyone he died of lung cancer eh! Many people don’t seem to know. And many famous stars from America make great cigarette ads here. I guess people like Charlie Sheen agree with me, that Japan is a great country and that everyone should smoke.

I don’t smoke, and I never had asthma in Canada, I developed it here in Japan. Silly Canadians and their non-smoking cities. How could I ever develop a challenging disease like asthma in a largely smoke free city like Vancouver! And how do they expect to attract any new smokers if they don’t let the big tobacco giants advertise! How ludicrous! No I’m glad I moved here!

I think those Canadians are too health conscious! No smoking in public, come on! What will they do next, make Canadian store clerks polite? Make them get off the phones with their friends and actually serve the customers?

It’s neat going to the hospital here. The one I go to specializes in asthma treatment! The doctor is very famous and he smokes in front of his patients–yes that’s right, right in the hospital lobby.

Oh it’s great, I don’t even have to move, I get smoke blown in my face by my own doctor! I don’t even pay extra! It’s a free service.

And thank God he never runs out of cigarettes, there are two cigarette vending machines right in the hospital!!!! You have to like that!

I confess, I was so distraught that all the airlines here have wimped out and banned smoking on all international flights. Something to do with foreign pressure.

Oh well, I can still smell the stench in the elevators, taxi cabs,and on my friend’s clothes too. It’s great that the Japanese government feels like I do. They think,

“The people need their cigarettes!” So they own the whole company.They are kind of like a Bill Gates of Tobacco. They stare down from the Diet Building and are happy in knowing that Japan Tobacco is making cigarettes for the Japanese masses.

There is no discrimination here about smoking. They are available to everyone! Even children can buy them, as there are vending machines all over the country. No one can supervise it so anyone with the Yen to smoke can do so! Konnichiwa Tobacco!I see students smoking everywhere. The people hack on the trains, and it isn’t just from colds you know; Japan Tobacco can be thanked for that. Plus JT is reducing the population here. Japan is pretty overpopulated anyway–one study said that over 100,000 Japanese died from tobacco related illnesses in 1995 alone! Wow! It’s strange as that seems to go against the whole plan. Japanese always worry about the declining population but don’t seem to do much to curb smoking. I am forever grateful that the Japanese aren’t that health conscious!

They even smoke while holding their babies! Yes, life is good here!

Oh smell my sweater…I think that aroma is Lucky Strike!

“I Love People Smoking next to me!” was originally published in The Vancouver Sun, on Wednesday, January 17th, 2001

“Do you mind if I smoke? No. Do you mind if I fart?”

–Steve Martin

JT Japan Toebacco

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JT Japan Toebacco

JT Japan Toebacco Says it’s Diversifying

“Before we just killed ’em! But now we try to cure ’em too.”

–Yoshi Shindamoto, President of JT

Tokyo:JL

Deep in the bowels of Japan’s capital city, Japan Toebacco or JT, plans its’ next strategic moves.

Hiroshi Nakunata, JT Marketing Chief, spends his days at the head office deciding on future products and forming the strategies that will bring success to JT:

“We decided in June that killing our customers didn’t make good business sense. Now we merely try to make them sick. Then with our recent tie up with U.S. biotech companies, we hope to cure them too. We plan on making as many Japanese ill as possible. This will generate millions of yen in tobacco sales. After this, we will attempt to cure them with our lung cancer vaccines, mu ha ha ha ha! We won the worldo so sorry!”

Many tobacco giants the world over have praised JT Japan Toebacco`s vision as one for the 21st century.

“Anyone can kill them, but to cure them too, wow that’s a marketing loop! Of course there is no danger in smoking cigarettes though, I didn’t mean to imply that. End of interview. No comment.”

–Tom Marlborough, of Kraven eh! The Canadian Toebacco Company

Okama Bin Laden the transvestite terrorist, in a rare interview, praised JT Japan Toebacco as being more successful at killing the masses than he was. In one year alone, over 500,000 Japanese died of tobacco related diseases.1

“That’s more than I’ve ever been able to mastermind. Do you like my dress? I’m not treated well here in Afghanistan, being dressed like a woman, but what can you do when you shave your legs and speak with this voice?”

Indeed JT’s record is astounding! Many of its’ customers have died or become ill.

“We are proud of our success,but we cannot sit on our raurels, is that how you plonounce dat word? Anway, we cannot shit around, we must continue progress towards the future. Killing is how you say? Become passe, we must cure our customers. We are a nicer, gentler JT now.”-

-Biyoki Suzuki, Head of Sales at JT

With many of JT’s customers now dead or dying, and sales going down, the move into curing customers was felt to be necessary according to press reports.

“We are so happy to have exclusive rights to lung cancervaccines in Japan, Taiwan and South Korea. No one can make or sell them here without our approval.2

No it isn’t a conflict of interest to make products which kill people and others that cure them.

It does make good dinner conversation and smacks of a ‘Simpson’s,’ episode though.”

–Gun Hayakuatta, a JT staffer

God help us!

1. One study found that in 1995 alone, over 500,000 Japanese died of tobacco related illnesses.

2. This, according to a report in The Japan Times in November, 2001.

The Hot English Lesson

The Hot English Lesson

Ken Shimura

Ken Shimura is one of my favorite comedians in Japan.

Enjoy!

My Home

SONY DSC

I have to do some hard caulking, pardon the expression. For my American friends, “hard caulking,” is a Canadian term, really it is eh. I wouldn`t lie to you. I gotta redo the bathroom. It is amazing what can happen to a house after 16 years. There are things growing that I think scientists would get excited about, “My God, it`s a whole new species!!!!”

The Tokyo Comedy Store

The Tokyo Comedy Store

by Kevin R Burns
(Odawara, Kanagawa)

The Tokyo Comedy Store」は1994年に私自身が設立しました。私はパフォーマーを集めるために
「Tokyo Classifieds」にたくさんの広告を載せました。1人で演じるコメディアンや
Tony Padgetという名前の睡眠術師が集まりました。これは、毎日デイリーニュースに載っていた
記事の詳細でした。私は初めの2回のショーをプロデュース、実行しました。初めのショーはトウキョウアメリカンクラブで、
2回目のショーは恵比寿にあるブリティッシュクラブで開催しました。私はNic Abrahmsという名のパフォーマーの1人に
クラブの指揮権を譲りました。そして、彼は後に「Tokyo Comedy Store」に名前を変えました。
ガードを変更することにいくつか問題はありましたが、わたしはここに彼らを参加させたくなかったのです。
Chris Wellsと Nic Abrahms、バンクーバー出身のカナダ人1人、他数人で「The Stunning Mullets」と呼ばれる出し物を

上演しました。Michael Naishtuttは私たちに東京のいろいろな場所のワークショップでコメディーを教えてくれました。

ある晩、私たちは東京のある通りで小さな即興ショーを開きました。私にとってこの即興は毎回とても大変です。
Tokyo Comedy Storeは何年にも渡り、東京の中心で定期的にショーを行っています。六本木や原宿、渋谷で
行っています。現在はクリスウェルズによって経営され、パフォーマンスは毎月第4金曜日に渋谷のライブハウス、
クロコダイルで行われています。毎回100人近くのお客さんがいらっしゃいますが、ほとんどが外国人です。

Tokyo Comedy Storeの歴史
日本で国外在住になることについてすばらしいことの1つといえば、めったにない機会を持てるということでしょう。
もしあなたがオーディションは仕事の面接に行くのにじっくりと時間をかければ、たくさんの興味ある仕事に
狙いをつけられるでしょう。また、あなたがやりたいことがあるのに組織やクラブが存在しないとしたら、
あなたが始めればいいのです。クラブを始める誰かを待っているあなたのような人はたくさんいます。

The Tokyo Comedy Store 2

The Tokyo Comedy Store 2

by Kevin R Burns
(小田原, 神奈川)

The Tokyo Comedy Store 2

私はここに何年も暮らしています。私は優れた創立者です。ですから私は何年にも渡ってたくさんのグループ、組織を
始めているのです。その中の1つがTokyo Comedy Clubです。現在はTokyo Comedy Storeとして知られています。
私は何もかもすべて始めたのを知る過程で少しのプライドを今でも持っています。誰かがそれをしたかもしれませんが、
私はしたのです。今から何年も前、私は1人で演じるコメディーを再び行おうと決心しました。私はCBCラジオと
UBC(私が演劇を専攻した場所)でパフォーマンスをしました。バンクーバーでのオチとしては、ケベックの大学で
フランス語で即興ショーをしたことです。面白い経験でした。
そして、私は東京でパフォーマンスをする、あるアマチュアクラブを始動する可能性を熟考しながらアパートで座ってしました。
Tokyo Comedy Clubは私がそれについて考えるのをやめて、The Tokyo Classifiedsにメトロポリスのさきがけの広告をいくつか

出すと決めたときに生まれました。15人のパフォーマーがいるグループを引きつけ、その中のほとんどが1人で演じるコメディアンや
即興パフォーマーでした。さらにはTony Padgetという名の催眠術者もいました・多くの人が私にメールをくれて、ショーに来たいと
言ってくれました。私は毎日デイリーニュースからインタビューを受けました。そのような狂った人たちが大勢の前で1人で
演技をして、お客さんを笑わせるということに関してです。あなたはそれをするためにクレイジーにならなければいけないでしょう。
私の初めてのショーは、Tokyo American Clubで満員でした。次のショーはthe Tokyo British Clubで、騒がしいお客さんが
いる中でした。私たちは1晩に1つの即興コメディーショーを行っています。私は何年もパフォーマンスをしていませんが、1人で行う
パフォーマンスにはたくさんの思い出があります。もちろん、悪夢もです!

コメディーショーの現在
Tokyo Comedy Storeは東京の中心でパフォーマンスを行っています。1人で行うパフォーマンスや即興コメディーを
特徴としています。

When my Wife Beat up Dustin Hoffman!

Based on a True Story

Hakone, Japan

Academy Award winning actor Dustin Hoffman steps onto the sunny, sultry tennis court. He has played many roles in his lifetime but now he is Dustin Hoffman–tennis player.

The tennis court knows no star quality. We are all equals on the court of tennis. No one will yell “cut!” here. There are no breaks for makeup, nor noprivate trailers. It is just Dustin and his racket. Is that the attraction?

Read More:

Kevs Twisted Humor

Kevs Twisted Humor
Welcome to Kevs Twisted Humor!

Who the heck is Kev? And why is he twisted?

I don`t know why I am twisted. It may be growing up near Vancouver. That DDT spraying they did on the fields in Delta decades ago? Having a liar, ….oops, I mean lawyer for a brother.

Having a skin doctor (who would experiment on,…oops treat his children),for a father, and a comedian/housewife for a mother.

My other brother is a very funny doctor. I mean that in a good sense.

It could have been that pop I drank. (Soda) for the Americans.

Kevs Twisted Humor – A Little Kev History