JT Japan Toebacco


JT Japan Toebacco

JT Japan Toebacco Says it’s Diversifying

“Before we just killed ’em! But now we try to cure ’em too.”

–Yoshi Shindamoto, President of JT


Deep in the bowels of Japan’s capital city, Japan Toebacco or JT, plans its’ next strategic moves.

Hiroshi Nakunata, JT Marketing Chief, spends his days at the head office deciding on future products and forming the strategies that will bring success to JT:

“We decided in June that killing our customers didn’t make good business sense. Now we merely try to make them sick. Then with our recent tie up with U.S. biotech companies, we hope to cure them too. We plan on making as many Japanese ill as possible. This will generate millions of yen in tobacco sales. After this, we will attempt to cure them with our lung cancer vaccines, mu ha ha ha ha! We won the worldo so sorry!”

Many tobacco giants the world over have praised JT Japan Toebacco`s vision as one for the 21st century.

“Anyone can kill them, but to cure them too, wow that’s a marketing loop! Of course there is no danger in smoking cigarettes though, I didn’t mean to imply that. End of interview. No comment.”

–Tom Marlborough, of Kraven eh! The Canadian Toebacco Company

Okama Bin Laden the transvestite terrorist, in a rare interview, praised JT Japan Toebacco as being more successful at killing the masses than he was. In one year alone, over 500,000 Japanese died of tobacco related diseases.1

“That’s more than I’ve ever been able to mastermind. Do you like my dress? I’m not treated well here in Afghanistan, being dressed like a woman, but what can you do when you shave your legs and speak with this voice?”

Indeed JT’s record is astounding! Many of its’ customers have died or become ill.

“We are proud of our success,but we cannot sit on our raurels, is that how you plonounce dat word? Anway, we cannot shit around, we must continue progress towards the future. Killing is how you say? Become passe, we must cure our customers. We are a nicer, gentler JT now.”-

-Biyoki Suzuki, Head of Sales at JT

With many of JT’s customers now dead or dying, and sales going down, the move into curing customers was felt to be necessary according to press reports.

“We are so happy to have exclusive rights to lung cancervaccines in Japan, Taiwan and South Korea. No one can make or sell them here without our approval.2

No it isn’t a conflict of interest to make products which kill people and others that cure them.

It does make good dinner conversation and smacks of a ‘Simpson’s,’ episode though.”

–Gun Hayakuatta, a JT staffer

God help us!

1. One study found that in 1995 alone, over 500,000 Japanese died of tobacco related illnesses.

2. This, according to a report in The Japan Times in November, 2001.


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